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Bob and Dides - by Deb
As we all know, the country of Greece today is full of sunshine, stuffed vine leaves and tourists (probably in that order!)
It was not always so. Way, way back when, when the mountains were young and actually enjoyed the feeling of skipping and leaping goats prancing around their slopes (can't you just hear them groaning and moaning these days?), Greece was ruled by an evil, evil king called Bob (what do you mean "There CAN'T have been any kind of king called Bob - let alone an evil, evil one - in Greece"? - How do you know? Were you there? No? Well then, take it from me he WAS called Bob!)
Anyway, to get back to the tale, people came from far and wide to try to convince Bob to drop the "evil" and become "emotional" instead. Now Bob didn't do "emotional"...ever! Well, only the kind of "emotional" which involved a lot of shouting and inappropriate language and all these do-gooders who kept appearing on his doorstep only made things worse.
As the days, months and years went on his face became a permanent shade of red, the lines across his forehead got deeper and deeper and he would comfort-eat EVERY night in front of the (was going to say telly there but of course they didn't have it did they?) live entertainment which his poor, unhappy subjects were forced to lay on for him. This resulted in him getting very fat.
One morning, having got out of bed, cleaned his teeth, avoiding looking at himself in the mirror as this tended to make him even more evil than he already was, Bob happened to glance out of his kitchen window as he made toast and marmalade for breakfast (what do you mean "They didn't have toast and marmalade in those days"? How do you know? Were you there? No? Well then - just go with the flow as they say!). There, sitting in his garden was a lady. She wasn't that young a lady it has to be said (well Bob wasn't that young an evil king either so that's alright then. Isn't it?) but she WAS very beautiful (if you liked that kind of thing - and Bob did. Like that kind of thing I mean).
Bob rushed back to the bathroom to splash some talc all over his red face (have you never done that to cover up the odd spot?), quickly polyfilla in his deepening frown lines and struggle into his corset.
Then he practised his smile - he was surprised how difficult that was after all this time - for five minutes before hop, skipping and jumping down the steps into the garden. He swept across the grass (well more of a waddle actually but who cares?), plucking roses as he went. When he came up to the bench upon which the lady was sitting he carelessly tossed the roses onto her lap (um, in fact he was a bit violent and several hit her in the face but she didn't seem to mind).
"What's your name darling?" he muttered boyishly.
The lady spat a few rose-thorns from her mouth before replying:
"Dides actually - who are you?"
Bob thought for a minute. A faint flush of pink crept through the talc and a few chips of polyfilla flew off his forehead. His corset held tight though.
"Ermmm. I'm Bob. The evi....er...EMOTIONAL King of Greece don't you know?"
Dides jumped up from the bench in excitement and cried:
"Oh, don't you just love emotional men? Please would you love me for ever and ever?"
Bob said he would. And he did. For ever and ever.
His face did get paler gradually over the years. The frown-lines stayed but became laughter lines and yes, he stopped the comfort eating and trimmed down to a slightly portly size 18.