The Storyteller and the Big Brother House

Quite by chance, one Friday night, the Storyteller was passing the entrance to the Big Brother House.  It was the very start of a new series and the contestants were all pulling up in their limousines ready to enter.

As one of the contestants, a rather portly young lady called Emerald (think about it!!!) had got very much over-excited on her journey from her hotel and, unfortunately, tripped over her own feet as she leaped from the limousine and landed with a big thump on top of her small suitcase (full of lovely chocolate animals and superhero comics of which Emerald was very very fond).

She twisted her ankle so badly that the programme makers said she would have to go straight to hospital and then they grabbed the first person they could get their hands on to replace Emerald in the House.

Yes, you have guessed it - the first person they got their hands on was...my friend and yours - the Storyteller.

Well, you can imagine that the red bobbly nose was close to exploding with excitement when The Storyteller realised what was happening.  He could barely make it up the steps to the main door (in fact it was a case of one step forward and two steps back which meant it took him quite 33 minutes to get to the top - luckily the watching crowds loved the suspense!)

The other contestants, we shall call them Ken, Pen, Jen, Sven (no not HIM!), Len and Den (short for Denise), all looked a little surprised at the tiny old man in the yellow hat and long red coat as he appeared at the top of the stairs.  They all looked even more surprised as his red bobbly nose glowed so brightly he couldn't see and tumbled head over heels down the stairs, bounced three times across the room and landed upside down in the goldfish bowl.  Not so surprised as the goldfish though!

Ken, Den, Pen etc rushed over and pulled him out of the goldfish bowl with an enormous "POP!!!" and watched anxiously as the goldfish swished and swirled frantically in the remaining water (half of the water had been largely sniffed up the red bobbly nostrils in panic and was yet to re-emerge!).  The fish gradually settled and Len (or it may have been Sven) added more water and a pinch of goldfish food for good measure.

Once seated on the bright red sofa (and yes, it did clash rather with the long red coat but there you go!) the Storyteller started to tell his tale.  Len, Den, Sven and - oh you know the rest - settled to listen - as did the tv viewers - and soon the house was quiet except for the sound of the old man's voice.

Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs flew open with a large bang.  All the contestants jumped three feet in the air and landed on top of each other (and on top of the Storyteller into the bargain).

 "G'DAY COBBERS!!" screamed a voice and a large figure, dressed all in brown and with corks swinging from his even more brown hat, clumped down the stairs.

"G'DAY COBBERS I SAY!" the apparition screeched again: "MY NAME'S BEN AND I'M FROM OZ!"

"You don't say" muttered Sven, Len and the rest as they edged slowly to greet the newcomer.

"MY NAME IS BEN AND I'M GOOD AT BARBI'S" shouted Ben right in Den's ear, bursting her ear-drum in one hit and resulting in Den's speedy removal from the House for emergency repair.

The rest of the housemates turned to the Storyteller for help.  They wouldn't be able to get rid of Ben for a whole week and if he was going to SHOUT at them every time he opened his mouth they could see the week would soon become unbearable.

Before the Storyteller could think of "a plan", Ben had rushed out into the garden (singing Waltzing Mathilda as he went) dragging Sven behind him, had thrown a bucket of paraffin on to the barbeque, and gaily chucked a match somewhere in that direction. 

The resulting explosion singed Sven's sideburns and frazzled his fringe so badly that, once again, the ambulance was called and contestant No 2 was removed from the house.

Things were getting serious.

The Storyteller's mind began to work overtime.  His red bobbly nose twitched this way and that and his lop-sided glasses bounced violently up and down on the end of it.

He opened his mouth to put forward a suggestion.....

Before he could speak, Ben could be seen through the plate glass window perched on top of the chicken-house ready to dive over the chicken-run and vegetable patch into the pool.  Unfortunately, Len and Pen were, at that moment, picking luscious lettuces and ravishing radishes from the vegetable patch, Ben mis-judged his leap, landed smack bang on top of them both with an ominous "THWACK!"

The ambulance this time came equipped with the long set of tweezers necessary to remove the radishes which had lodged themselves in Len's nostrils and a very sharp instrument to puncture the tomato which had wedged itself deep into Pen's belly-button.  Once these operations had been successfully carried out Len and Pen were taken away to be treated for shock and vegetable allergy.

The Storyteller, Jen and Ken sat in a huddle, whispering on the sofa.

Ben rushed in from the garden:

"HEY COBBERS!!!" he shouted "COME AND TAKE A GANDER AT THIS OUT HERE!!!!"

The three stayed where they were - the Storyteller was close to a solution and all he needed was five minutes to outline his plan (something to do with a colander, two saucepans, a measuring jug and a bag of oranges I think) and he was just about to start when a rather frightening squealing noise skittered through the open windows into the house.

They turned to look; no sign of Ben; they slowly got up from the sofa and crept towards the plate glass windows.  The Storyteller held back and tried to stop Ken and Jen from going outside.  Too late!

As they ventured onto the patio they looked up to see Ben swinging from the washingline (the metal bits it was attached to were making the squealing noise)  holding a boomerang in his right hand.

"HEY BLUEY!" he cried excitedly "CATCH A LOAD OF THIS!"

With that he launched the boomerang.

To be fair it had a message attached to it and was supposed to go outside the compound for his girlfriend Sheila to pick up and he really didn't mean for it to boomerang right back in - catch Ken round the neck and hurl him into Jen then hurl them both back through the plate-glass windows.

This time the ambulance was already parked outside waiting (saving on petrol you see) and luckily the ambulance-men were able to patch up the cuts and tears on the spot.  However, Ken and Jen were carted off to hospital (some trainee doctors needed extra sewing practice apparently and Ken and Jen would provide enough practice for at least six at a time).

So there we were.  Just the Storyteller and Ben left.

The Storyteller was able to put his cunning plan into action (only needed two oranges after all so the rest were put back in the bag for later) and Ben was soon carried off on a stretcher to have various kitchen utensils and fruit removed from different parts of his body (I don't think we will ask which parts as this is a family story).

And that, dear readers, is how the Storyteller became the latest Big Brother winner!!!!